you've been going through it, and while it might not have paid off in the way you expected, it is paying off. you've developed a clearer view of yourself and the world around you, like i did after i realized cupcakke spelled her name like that because it's a play on "bukakke." you're a huge step further down the path of acting as your authentic self. don't fight it. it may feel a bit scary at times, but you are brave. in fact, if you think about it, i'm sure you've proven that to yourself already.